With Thanksgiving just two days away, I reached out to my family this morning to see if anyone needed me to pick up groceries for our holiday meal. Since my mother, who typically coordinates our plans, is currently unavailable, I assumed I would be hosting. To my surprise, my sister informed me via text that the entire family was expected to drive two hours to celebrate at our father’s girlfriend’s house with her relatives.
This news came as a genuine shock. Over the past week, I had been actively discussing with my siblings which dishes I would prepare and what ingredients I needed to buy. To learn at the last minute that not only are we not hosting, but we are also expected to travel a significant distance, left me feeling hurt and overlooked. While I recognize that my reaction may not be the most mature, the fact that no one thought to inform me until I was already en route to the grocery store is deeply frustrating.
My siblings have expressed flexibility—my brother would prefer to stay home, and my sister is open to figuring out an alternative. As the oldest, they are likely to follow my lead. Still, I’m left questioning whether deciding to stay home would make me the one at fault.
Oof, that last-minute change of plans is so frustrating, especially when you were already deep in the planning and grocery talk. I’ve been in a similar spot where family communication just breaks down, and it really does make you feel invisible. Maybe you could suggest a quick call with your siblings to clear the air before the drive?
Thanks for understanding that feeling of being deep in the planning only to have the rug pulled out—it really does make you feel invisible. A quick call with your siblings is a solid idea to clear the air and prevent this next time; establishing a single group chat for holiday logistics can help avoid these last-minute surprises. I’d be curious to hear if you try that approach or how your Thanksgiving ends up going.
Oof, that last-minute switch to a two-hour drive would have stung, especially after already planning your dishes. I’ve been the “uninformed planner” before, and it creates such a lonely feeling, like you’re operating on a different frequency than the family. I’d probably take a quiet evening to process before deciding if I wanted to make that trip or start a new, low-key tradition. Has anyone else in your family acknowledged how this communication breakdown happened?
Thank you for that empathetic reflection—it really does feel like operating on a different frequency when plans shift without you. So far, no one has acknowledged the communication gap, which is part of why the surprise was so isolating. If you’re navigating something similar, sometimes a direct but calm text to the main planner, like “Hey, can we sync up on how decisions are shared for future gatherings?” can help clear the air. I’d be curious to hear if a quiet evening helped you decide on your own plans last time.
I would question whether I was even invited if no one had mentioned it to me earlier. Does the girlfriend not want you in her home? With that distance, you should have a clear invitation so no one is caught off guard.
It sounds like you weren’t even invited, so don’t go. If anyone asks, simply say you didn’t receive an invitation and made other plans. You’re not the asshole for not attending.
For future reference, you could let the girlfriend know that proper etiquette would be to call or send a text with a clear invitation to events like this.
Before you learned it was at your dad’s girlfriend’s, where did you think Thanksgiving would be? How did your siblings know before you? I suggest reaching out to your dad to explain that the late notice was inconvenient, and you’ve already made other plans. Wish them a happy Thanksgiving and leave it at that. Use this as an opportunity to create your own traditions with your siblings and enjoy the day together.
I would be upset by such inconsiderate behavior. You should talk to your siblings.
I would personally enjoy a quiet day to myself.
You have my permission as a complete stranger to stay home with your siblings, but I take no responsibility for your father’s reaction.
NTA. A four-hour round trip plus three to four hours at an awkward dinner with your dad’s new girlfriend—who may not even be around next Thanksgiving—is a lot to ask. I’d skip it.
I would be hard-pressed to drive four hours round trip to spend a holiday with someone I’m not interested in seeing, especially when my siblings are nearby. You weren’t told ahead of time because everyone knew you weren’t into it. It’s okay to be honest and say that traveling that much in one day is too much for you right now.
You’re not the a-hole at all. Why not do something with your siblings and create a fun Thanksgiving memory together? That sounds like a great idea—I almost wish I could join you.
Is she a new girlfriend? If so, perhaps discuss communication boundaries with her and your dad. Do you live on your own? If so, consider hosting a small gathering with your siblings at your place to spend time together.
NTA. You and your siblings could go out to dinner instead.
NTA. It would have been considerate to be informed ahead of time. That way, you could have made plans with your siblings and avoided the stress.
Do what feels right for you. There’s no point in making yourself miserable just to please others.
Why not gather your siblings and have a small celebration together instead?
Without knowing the context behind the decision to have Thanksgiving at your father’s girlfriend’s house, it’s hard to say whether you’d be in the wrong. Ultimately, you’re free to make your own choice here.
Stay home and have a pajama day. Stock up on snacks and enjoy watching TV or playing games. NTA.
Just text her back and say, “We must have had a misunderstanding. I was planning to make these dishes for us here at home. I want to be with you for the holiday, but I had already told my siblings we would be here.” This is a significant change in plans, so it’s reasonable to explain that you were hoping for a smaller gathering.
I’m sorry, but something has come up and I won’t be able to attend.
Consider having Thanksgiving with your siblings instead. You won’t need to make a two-hour drive, especially with such short notice. Plan your own meal, prepare your dishes, and enjoy the day together. There’s no need to be upset with your dad or let him start an argument. Simply tell him you love him but didn’t plan for this trip and can’t make it. You can always arrange something when he returns. Feelings might be hurt, but that’s part of life. At least you’ll have a pleasant meal together, and your father likely wants to spend the holiday with his girlfriend, assuming their relationship is serious. Take ownership of your choices and any consequences that follow. You would not be in the wrong here.
NTA. A two-hour drive requires more than two days’ notice.
Did your dad invite you? Do you have other plans you could make? Staying home with your siblings sounds like a good option.
NTA
NTA. It’s not petty at all. How did your dad not mention this to you at least a couple of weeks in advance? Personally, I would feel like I wasn’t invited and just do my own thing.
I had the same thought.
NTA. Call your dad and let him know you plan to come home to cook dinner for your siblings. He’s welcome to go to his girlfriend’s house—that’s fine, and you hope he has a good time. Since you weren’t included in the plans, you decided to make your own. Alternatively, you could invite your siblings to your place. The three of you would still have a great time together.
We can’t give a judgment without knowing why you dislike the girlfriend. If your reasons are valid, then you’re not the asshole. But if you’re upset just because Thanksgiving isn’t going as you expected or because you found out about the plans last minute, then you’re overreacting and would be the asshole.
I wouldn’t go either. Driving four hours to spend Thanksgiving with people who didn’t formally invite you and may not even want you there is not worth it.
It doesn’t sound like you were personally invited, so how could you be the asshole for not going? Perhaps what you’re really asking is whether your dad is the asshole for making Thanksgiving plans without considering his children. It’s hard to say, but I get the impression you’ve had Thanksgiving traditions you looked forward to, and those were disregarded without discussion. Was he the one maintaining those traditions, or was it your mom? He may have always been the asshole, and you’re only now realizing it.
I only have Thanksgiving day off since I work in hospitality. Some years, I’ve taken it as a “me” day or spent it with a friend who also had no plans. We skip the big dinner, enjoy snacks, and binge a show—it’s been great.
NTA
Driving two hours is a request, not an obligation, especially with short notice. Inviting a few more friends would make it less about just the three of you who could attend and more like hosting a gathering for friends.
A four-hour round trip is a lot to ask, especially with little notice on Thanksgiving. NTA.
NTA. You could host at your place and invite everyone who isn’t attending your dad’s girlfriend’s Thanksgiving.
You might be, but why is there so much pressure? I never attend gatherings with family or friends if I don’t want to, though some people give me grief for it. I explain that I work 50–60 hours a week and my private time is sacred, so I don’t spend it on people I don’t like. It’s not a popular opinion, but that’s how I feel.
I told my family I’m not in the mood to be around people right now and would prefer to stay home. Unfortunately, that didn’t work this year.
A two-hour drive for dinner is a lot to ask. Since you weren’t informed of the change in plans, it’s reasonable to make your own arrangements. NTA.
NTA. I’m not feeling well, possibly the flu, so I’m staying home.
I think you might be coming down with a cold, and it would be best not to risk spreading it to others.