قبل شهرين تقريبًا، قابلت شخصًا أشعر بالارتباط الحقيقي معه، وكانت علاقتنا مستقرة حتى الأسابيع الأخيرة. شريكتي حاليًا في الساحل الشرقي لرحلة قصيرة تجمع بين مشاريع سينمائية واسترخاء وزيارة عائلته لعيد الشكر. عادةً، أعتاد على فتراته الهادئة من حين لآخر - كل بضعة أيام، عندما يكون غارقًا في العمل، يمر يومًا ونصف دون اتصال قبل أن نعاود الاتصال. هذا متوقع ولا كان يزعجني من قبل. لكن هذه المرة، تباطأ التواصل بشكل غير متوقع، ولا يمكنني التنبؤ بموعد رده. طلبت منه الاتصال قبل يومين ولم أسمع منه بعد.
من الناحية المنطقية، أفهم أن هناك تفسيرات معقولة: أنه مشغول حقًا، يتعامل مع ارتفاع درجة الحرارة، أو قد تنفد بطارية هاتفه أثناء تصويره خارجياً. ولكن من الناحية العاطفية، تسببت التأخيرات غير المتوقعة في رد فعل هلع كامل. ذهني يرسم مقارنات مؤلمة مع صدمة سابقة، مما يجعل هذه الحالة تبدو مألوفة بخطر. انفعالي "القتال أو الفرار" يصرخ لي إما أن أواجهه بشكل عدواني أو أهرب، حتى لو كنت أعرف منطقيًا أن هذا مجرد سوء فهم بسيط. إنه متعب للغاية - أستمر في تذكير نفسي كم أحبه وأنه لن يقصد إيذائي، لكن عقلي يرفض القبول.
قبل عامين، فقدت حبيبي الراحل بسبب الانتحار. في الأشهر الأخيرة، أعاد إلينا أنّه يتعافى - لقد استعاد وظيفته، عاد إلى شقته، واعترض على الالتزام بالتعافي والعلاج. ومع ذلك، أصبح أكثر انفصالًا، وانتظرت بصبر، آملًا أن يحتاج إلى مساحة. كان لدينا خطط لمقابلته في عيد ميلاده، لكن المكالمة لم تأتي أبدًا. لم أكن أعلم أنّه كان قد رحل بالفعل، ورسائلي المقلقة لم تُجب في الشقة التي وُجد فيها لاحقًا. الآن، أي اختلاف أو تأخير في التواصل من شخص أكون معه يعيد لي تلك التجربة المؤلمة بسرعة.
يعرف شريكي الحالي عن خسارتي، لكن ليس بالتفصيل. أريد أن أساعد له على فهم رد فعلي دون إثارة له أو إلحاق الألم. استغرقت سنوات لمعالجة حزني، وأعتقد أنه يستحق نفس الصبر الذي أعطيته لنفسي. لا يزال من الصعب إخفاء مدى تأثيره علي، وأخاف أن لا يدرك مدى تعقيد حزني.
التعامل مع علاقة جديدة في عشرينياتي بعد خسارة عميقة يشعر بالعزلة. لا يوجد دليل لهذا، وحتى الموارد عبر الإنترنت قليلة. سأكون ممتنًا جدًا للنصائح من الآخرين الذين عانوا من الحزن المعقد، وكذلك الرؤية من أولئك الذين لم يعانون - وخاصة كيف سيتعاملون إذا شارك زميلهم هذا النوع من الصدمة، وما مستوى الكشف يبدو مناسبًا دون الإفصاح كثيرًا.
My boyfriend died six weeks ago, and it’s been incredibly difficult. My situation is very similar to yours.
I hope you have a strong support system. I strongly recommend speaking with a psychologist about what you’re experiencing, as there may be underlying trauma they can help you navigate.
You might also consider sharing a simplified version with your current boyfriend—explain that your ex passed away and that you once spent hours calling him without a response, so similar situations now trigger those feelings. Let him know you’re working through it in therapy, so he can be there for you without feeling responsible for fixing it.
Sending support your way.
I was 21. He was my late boyfriend, not my ex. I don’t agree with the assumptions you’ve made about me, but thank you for your opinion. I understand that some people can’t stomach the idea, and I don’t blame them for not understanding. They’ve never walked in my shoes and likely never will. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, and I’m doing my best.
It sounds like you’re still referring to him as your boyfriend rather than your ex, which may be making things harder. You clearly loved him, even though he struggled with drugs and suicide.
I would personally avoid that situation. We only have one life, and I wouldn’t want to spend it helping a new partner through the loss of someone they were deeply in love with.
You need to find a way to process this yourself instead of expecting your current boyfriend to help you through it after only two months together. It’s too early to place that burden on any partner.
You should work through your trauma and move forward rather than bringing it into new relationships.
Since you disagree, go ahead and share your trauma with your current boyfriend. Tell him you need to hear from him or you panic, and see how that goes. He’s already becoming distant and replying less often.
If he’s been filming all day, remember that power banks exist to keep devices charged. I always take one when traveling.
You’ve said some concerning things about your boyfriend, like wanting to “choke him out with your bare hands” when he doesn’t contact you. If you’re having those thoughts over a missed text, you should probably be single right now. You’re not ready for a relationship if you feel violent when someone doesn’t respond. Work on your anxiety first—that doesn’t sound like a healthy way for you to live either.
I don’t think you should be dating right now, but since you disagree, I’m not sure why you asked for advice.
It’s confusing why she would refer to him as an ex. He was her boyfriend when he passed away—widows and widowers don’t typically refer to their late partners as exes.
Additionally, describing someone as a “troubled person” isn’t a valid reason to stop loving them.
It seems you’re still processing a past relationship, regardless of how it ended.
Being a troubled person doesn’t make them unworthy of love, but it doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy either. Troubled individuals can negatively impact their partner’s mental health, which appears to be what happened here.
From what you’ve described, this person significantly affected your mental well-being and wasn’t a positive influence in your life, leaving you with considerable trauma.
While we often avoid speaking ill of the deceased, it sounds like this relationship wasn’t healthy for you either.
I genuinely feel for you as you work through this difficult experience and hope you’re able to find healing in time.
You two may not be compatible. You need more communication than he seems able to provide. Have you considered therapy to help process your loss?
I don’t think it’s fair to make that judgment without first expressing my needs clearly. He can’t read my mind, and this hasn’t been an issue until now. If he refuses or can’t make an effort to communicate more after I explain my needs, then it would be reasonable to make that call. I’m looking for advice on how to start that conversation with him, especially since it’s tied to a sensitive subject.
I’m currently out of therapy due to a recent move.
I understand your point, and while it’s possible he might adjust his communication style after learning what you’ve been through, his current lifestyle may not be compatible with that change.
You could say something like: “It really triggers me when we go long periods without unpredictable contact. Would you be willing to let me know before you take a nap or have other commitments where you can’t communicate, and when I might hear back from you?”
Since this is only a two-month relationship and you’re still in the dating phase, it’s concerning that you already need to ask for regular communication and feel upset when he goes silent for two days.
In the early stages of a relationship, things should feel exciting and effortless. If he can go two days without contacting you and it causes this much distress, it may indicate a lack of compatibility.
Even accounting for your grief and loss, a relationship shouldn’t be this difficult after just two months. You two might not be well-suited for each other.